Friendships: The emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends.
Making friends is a funny thing, I remember when I was about eleven years old, I was just starting secondary school, and I felt so nervous about meeting new people, sadly this is when my anxiety started. It wasn't until on reflection in a conversation with my mum that I realised anxiety is what I had. I went home early most days within my first few weeks of starting in my first year, because I couldn't breathe and felt sick, I was terrified and embarrassed. Making friends with new people and constantly feeling left out was crippling to me. Of course within a few more weeks I formed lovely friendships, which blossomed and took me on a journey through my school years. Whether it was lunch times crying with laughter sitting on the field eating the best paninis I've ever eaten or planning the weekend parties and gatherings, even crying in the toilets with friends because someone said something about someone, it was an all girls school I think you get the gist. I had some great memories with those friends, but things run their course, people change and go in different directions and there is nothing wrong with that, that is just life.
Secondary school was my first and last experience of a friendship group, I know that for sure.
I went to college for my two years of sixth form and made some amazing friends that carried me through my lessons and a few nights out, but I had my sights set on University and treated those two years as a period of time to work hard and get sh*t done. It was through this time that I realised a large friendship group isn't well suited to me. On my own I feel confident, have faith and belief in who I am and my own ability, I love myself and I feel proud of who I am as a person and what I create. But in a large group I tend to shrivel and feel intimidated and shy, scared to say anything out of fear of judgment. I notice this coming through often at events I attend now with my job, when there is a large group of people standing around listening to each other chat I tend to just stay quiet and I just keep thinking about when I am going home.
When I went to University I had the same mentality in terms of being there to get my degree and get my head down to achieve a result, which I can safely say I smashed. Going to uni for a stereotypical uni life wasn't really in my interest.
While I was at college I met my boyfriend who I have been with for 4 years this November... crazy! He became my best friend and I filled a void of friendships with him, which I wouldn't recommend. It didn't have any effects to us as a relationship because we are so close and we are friends first off. But it is so important to have additional friendships to your partner, you need girl time. I realised that this year and now I have that our relationship is even better than ever.
My final journey of friendship so far in my life has been through my job. Being based on social media means I have instant connections with so many amazing and incredible girls. Some of whom I have met through shoots or met up with after speaking for ages on Instagram DM's and I can proudly say I have made some friends for life through this platform. Friends that I can sit and have six hour conversations with deep from the heart, I can laugh, cry, go on trips, and just simply sit in silence, but more importantly the friendships I have now are mature, I can have disagreements and different opinions and thats okay! It's okay not to meet up everyday or text each other every night.
It feels amazing to know that I have figured out what works for me in terms of my friendships. I know that being in a large group just doesn't work for me, having a small group is amazing and one on one friendships are even more meaningful, but for me large friendship groups just aren't right and that is okay! I think what I would like you to take away from this post is that no matter what your situation and your 'relationship' with friendships you always need time to grow and be yourself. I love the quote "How do you expect anyone else to love you when you can't love yourself" I think that is so true positivity radiates and you will attract the right people when you feel amazing! Not everything lasts forever but if it works and brings you happiness it will always be worth the effort.